


Mac and Dennis Buy a Mattress

by crassulaovata (fandomsandcake)



Series: macdennis tumblr prompts [1]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Humor, M/M, Sharing a Bed, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 15:29:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17563118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomsandcake/pseuds/crassulaovata
Summary: “So you’re telling me,” Dennis says. “That your mattress just spontaneously caught on fire?”





	Mac and Dennis Buy a Mattress

**Author's Note:**

> based on [these tumblr prompts](http://bastardreynolds.tumblr.com/post/182344835771/ooh-13-or-18-macdennis-for-the-prompt)
> 
> written as a friendly respite from [my longer macdennis fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17091566/chapters/40193078)
> 
> come visit me on [bastardreynolds.tumblr.com](http://bastardreynolds.tumblr.com)

 

“So you’re telling me,” Dennis says. “That your mattress just  _ spontaneously  _ caught on fire?” 

Mac shuffles awkwardly in his seat. “Yes.”

“And you expect me to  _ believe  _ that?” 

“I’m not lying, dude. I was just minding my own business, thinking about God, checking out our new flamethrower and –” 

“Wait, so you were using the flamethrower inside?”

“No, that’s –”

“You realise that you actively  _ doing things  _ to cause the fire doesn’t make it spontaneous, yeah? You do understand what the word spontaneous means?” 

“Yeah, but I didn’t  _ do it _ , Dennis!” 

Dennis raises an eyebrow and Mac glares at him. 

“I’m just asking you to check the bank account to see if we’ve got enough for a new one. Also, my room smells like burnt mattress so I’m gonna crash in your room tonight.” 

Mac suddenly can’t look Dennis in the eye, but simultaneously pushes himself further towards Dennis’ end of the couch. 

“Check it yourself, asshole.”

“You  _ know _ that I always forget the password for the internet thing.”

“My god!” Dennis is getting increasingly exasperated. “My god,  _ fine _ ! Also I  _ know  _ we don’t have enough, because you spent all our goddamn savings on the flamethrower, which you then used to  _ set your mattress on fire _ !” 

Mac pouts, and fixes Dennis with a look that is completely and utterly pathetic, but still has its desired effect, making Dennis give in and say, “Fine. Fine, I’ll ask Frank. Also, we’re getting the new one today, because I don’t want you sleeping in my bed.” 

Two hours later at the mattress store, Mac and Dennis stand facing a rows and rows of beds. Mac’s hands are resting on his hips and he’s glaring at the overwhelming number of options in front of them like he’s resisting the urge to whip out the flamethrower and make the entire store spontaneously catch fire. Dennis slings his arm around Mac’s shoulder, to make sure he doesn’t run off and do something dumb.

“Where should we start?” he asks Mac. 

Mac’s frown deepens. “I didn’t think it’d be this complicated. Last time I bought a mattress –” he pauses to think. “Actually, my old mattress was just  _ your _ old mattress when you upgraded.” 

“Okay, well,” Dennis starts to lead him toward some of the mid-range queen mattresses. “My personal recommendation is  _ this  _ one. Perfect balance of hard and soft, and optimal bounce for banging.”

Mac ducks out from under Dennis arm and sits down on the mattress, bouncing gently to test Dennis’ assertion. “I don’t know dude, I feel like it needs more bounce.”

Dennis chortles. “No, no, no, Mac. Trust me, when you’re plowing a chick, this mattress is  _ perfect _ .” 

Mac hums, but doesn’t seem convinced.

“Okay, let me show you,” Dennis says, because it’s really the only option left. “So I’m the girl in this situation,” he says as he climbs on and lies in the middle of the mattress. He pushes himself up on one elbow and looks at Mac. “Now come straddle me.”

“What? Why, dude?”

“Trust me.”

Mac shrugs and moves towards Dennis. When he’s kneeling beside him, he grabs Dennis’ waist and tries to roll him over. “What are you doing?” 

“Rolling you over, duh.”

“Why? That’s not how you do this. What are you –”

“Well if you’re a chick I’m gonna roll you over,” Mac says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I don’t like seeing their front. It wigs me out.” 

Dennis blinks. “You don’t like seeing the faces of the girls you bang?” 

“It’s not the face so much as the,” Mac gestures vaguely at his own front, and Dennis thinks it’s maybe meant to indicate  _ tits and things that make it clear that Very Gay Mac is fucking a woman _ . 

“Okay, whatever. Just don’t roll me over, okay.” 

“But if you’re the girl –”

“Then I won’t be the girl, I don’t care. Just straddle me, it’s important.”

Mac does as he’s told and swings his legs over Dennis waist, settling comfortably at the top of his thighs.

“Now,” Dennis instructs. “Feel how easy that was. And notice how the mattress gives way  _ just  _ the right amount under your knees.” 

Mac nods. “Dude, you’re right.”

“And then, when you thrust, the girl – the  _ uh,  _ the other person –”

“A hot chick.”

“Yeah, whatever. The other person, they also get a fantastically sensual experience, because the physics of the mattress are perfectly in tune with the thrusts of an expert sexual partner.” 

Mac places his hands either side of Dennis’ head, lifts his hips, and then thrusts down, and repeats several times. “I can see that.” 

Dennis notices Mac’s boner, but doesn’t comment on it, because he’s kind of used to that shit by now.

“Um excuse me, sirs,” a voice says from behind them. Mac’s head twists to fix the stop assistant with a scowl. “You can’t, uh – do  _ that  _ on the display mattresses.” 

“Buddy, I’m doing your job for you right now,” Dennis rebuts. “Do you want a sale or not?”

The shop assistant doesn’t reply, and just sort of gawks.

“Well, do you?  _ Do you _ ?”

“I mean – I guess so?” 

“In that case, you’re welcome. A good mattress needs to be good for plowing, and that’s what I’m perfectly demonstrating to my friend right now. I’ve basically sold him on it, you know?” 

“And he’s right,” Mac adds.

The shop assistant doesn’t seem to know how to respond. “You still can’t – I’m going to have to ask you to dismount – to, uh, to get off the bed.” 

Mac rolls his eyes, and pushes himself away from Dennis, flopping down next to him. 

“Can you believe this asshole?” he asks.

“I know right,” Dennis responds, turning his head to meet Mac’s eyes.

“I think you’re right about this mattress though, dude. Could definitely get some plowing done.”

“If you’re going to make a purchase can you please do so and  _ leave _ ,” the shop assistant begs.

So they buy the mattress, and after an extended argument at the till decide to waive the $100 delivery cost (which is quite frankly extortionate), because there’s no reason they can’t just strap it to the roof of the Range Rover and drive it home. It turns out it’s harder to secure a mattress to the top of a vehicle than initially thought, but after several attempts, and Dennis taking a trip to the hardware store to buy more rope, they’re relatively confident it’s fine. 

“So, I was thinking –” Mac starts, staring up at the mattress.

“You’re not riding home on the roof,” Dennis cuts him off, and Mac frowns. 

“Why not?”

“That’s so unsafe, on so many levels. And illegal, probably. And not a thing that grown men do.”

“Think of the core strength I’d need to stay holding on. It’s totally manly.” 

“I’m not – we’re not having this argument. Just get in the car.” 

They’re half way home, and crossing a bridge over the river when Dennis has to swerve to avoid some piece of shit old lady who obviously shouldn’t be on the road. 

“Die quicker, you bitch!” Dennis shouts after her red Toyota, for good measure.

By the time either of them realise what’s happening, it’s too late to stop it. There’s a creak, and a snap, and then the mattress is sliding off the roof of the car, and falling into the Schuylkill River. The whole thing seems to happen in slow motion, but Dennis just sits in the driver’s seat of the car and stares like an idiot as his money (Frank’s money) bops languidly under the bridge. 

“Oh  _ goddamnit _ !” 

Frank refuses to give them more money for another mattress ( _ I’m not gonna keep bailing you out every time you throw a mattress in the Schuylkill River! _ ) This is how Mac ends up sleeping in Dennis’ bed. 

It’s about two weeks into the whole arrangement, when Mac rolls over to Dennis and asks, “So when you fuck in this bed, are you normally on top or underneath?” 

“What?” Dennis asks, blinking and looking up from his phone screen.

“I mean, where does the chick normally go.”

“It – it  _ depends _ . Depends what we’re doing, what role –”

“But you are on the bottom sometimes?”

“Yes. What does this have to do with anything?” 

Mac shrugs. “Was just thinking about it.” 

The next night Mac asks, “So what about blowjobs?”

“ _ What? _ ” 

“Is the mattress any good for getting head?” 

“Yes. For giving head too, but – What are you doing? What is this?” 

“I miss my mattress, dude. I bet some homeless dudes dragged it out of the river and are going at it right now.”

Dennis frowns, because not only is that an unpleasant image, but Mac’s questions are also completely bizarre. 

The next night, Mac restarts the line of questioning. “And so, for handjobs?”

And then the next night. “Do you ever do butt stuff?”

And the next. “What about just for making out, you know?” 

It’s then that Dennis can’t fucking take it anymore. He screams, and then he’s kissing Mac. It’s hot and furious, and he isn’t surprised when Mac kisses him back, arches up against Dennis, breaks the kiss to push Dennis’ shirt over his head. 

Afterwards, Dennis’ head is resting on Mac’s shoulder, and Mac’s fingers trace the outline of his spine. “The bounce was pretty fucking great, dude.”

Dennis hums. “I told you so.” 

“Gotta try it again though. For the scientific method.” Mac’s words are complete nonsense, and Dennis kicks at his ankles to shut him up, but their legs just end up tangled together. 

“And facing you was okay and shit too. I didn’t even know dudes could do it facing each other.”

“Oh my god, will you  _ shut up _ for one second.” 

“I’m just saying it wasn’t how I thought it’d be. Also, I’m pretty sure I’m gay.”

“I  _ know _ you’re gay, Mac. Everyone knows.”

“Hey, you have no way of knowing for sure that I’m gay.”

“Your dick was in my ass like ten minutes ago.”

“Okay, but that doesn’t prove anything, that –”

“Just  _ shut up _ and go to sleep or I won’t let you fuck me again.”

Mac is silent for a moment, and Dennis thanks God and Jesus and all of Mac’s Catholic Saints because he just wants to  _ go to sleep _ . 

“You  _ so will _ let me fuck you again,” Mac says. 

“I’m not replying to you anymore.”

“I’m gonna give you a blowjob tomorrow morning, so be ready for that.”

“If you don’t let me  _ sleep _ I won’t be ready.” 

Mac seems to find that argument compelling, because he hums and lays a kiss to Dennis’ hair, and whispers goodnight, before mercifully _shutting the_ _fuck up_. True to his word, Mac gives Dennis a blowjob the next morning, and they’re late to work, because Dennis drags Mac into the shower with him and returns the favour.

By the time they’ve saved up enough for a new mattress, it’s no longer a priority, or even a necessity really, because even with a second bed, there’s no way that Mac is going to extricate himself from Dennis’ space. And that’s just how it goes. 

 


End file.
